I was begged for months to teach a class. Everything in me screamed no. “You’re not cut out for this This isn’t what God wants you to do.” I prayed about it over and over, and I just got the fudgey feeling of you make the choice. He wasn’t going to tell me whether to do it or not. But, inside I knew He wanted me too. I went along, passing up the opportunity many times. 

And finally, I laugh about it now. But, my mom kind of challenged me. And said, If you can do this and this, you can definitely present. I reluctantly told her I would, to prove something to her.  But afterwards, ran to my room in hopes of concealing my fear. I was a little bit angry that something as innocent as standing up in front of people and using my vocal cords would shut me down that easily. It really doesn’t seem all that hard when you really think about it. But public speaking is the #1 biggest fear in America. People would rather DIE than do it. And, I can tell you, I felt the same way.

Leading up to the event, I would pray my heart out every night asking for peace and to feel okay. I became obsessed with the idea that I might not have enough information or stories to talk about during my class. And would stay up night after night and just rack my brain. I am a writer, so I wrote to calm my nerves. I filled notebooks up. I wrote what to do and say for my class. But when the time came for my class, I felt as if I had nothing…

The last few days leading up to the Conference, I felt like I was drowning. It was a fake it til you make it kind of days. I had pages and pages worth of notes and ideas, I just had to compile them and make it into a presentation. Little did I know, that was the hardest part. I had to much. Or I had too little. I did not know. The night before, I grabbed my huge stack of papers and wrote down a bullet list of how I desired it to go. I watched as everyone enjoyed themselves in the nice house we were staying in. I was enraptured in my stress. Far from the hope that once filled me when I prayed. I couldn’t handle the voices that were overtaking my own.

 I was being attacked by the adversary. It was late, and I ran down to my mom’s room to tell her goodnight. She asked me if I was ready for my class. I broke down in tears, and told her how I thought I was. But, my confidence wasn’t. She did some clearing of several layers of fear and doubt. Enough to help me calm down, and stop crying. It was past midnight and I was ready for bed.

 I walked out her door. And three of my favorite ladies were standing there talking in the living room. I was a mess, and didn’t want to be seen. So, I quietly tried to sneak around the corner without them seeing me. Course they spotted me. They looked at me, and with one look, I broke once again into tears. They all pulled me into a group bear hug. And I immediately opened up my heart and let the love pour in. My knees were still shaking an incredible amount. But, I felt as if I could handle it. I wanted the hug to last forever. One lady challenged me to embrace the fear I was feeling. This was new to me. I have never done this before. I was changing something inside of me. To grow more fully, I needed to embrace what I was scared of. I needed to embrace the fear. That night we laughed so hard. Laughing IS the best medicine for fear, I can tell you that.

 I settled into embracing the fear, yet, I didn’t sleep that night. My sister and I slept out on the deck on a swinging bed, it might have been from the heat I wasn’t used to. But, the crippling feeling of what was bound to happen tomorrow, was the thing that deprived me of my rest.

We swung back and forth on the bed, it was reassuring, a comforting feeling. It usually is. To be rocked to sleep. I pictured imagery that night of Heavenly Father cradling me, swinging me back and forth in his gracious arms. I cried. Not like any cry. It wasn’t sad. It was my Spirit shaking inside of me. I was going to do something I had never done before. I was doing something new. And im so used to staying in my little comfort bubble, I hadnt any experience with these feelings, where you step out of your bubble and try something SO new, and SO scary to me.

I did my declarations all night it seemed. I wrote in my black journal. I declared what I was doing. I told myself how much I was growing and how much better I would be when I came out of it. And I tried to believe myself.

I woke up the next morning, went through the day of the conference. Trying to suppress the fear, once again. I left classes, and cried throughout the whole day. I remember shaking so bad. Trying to put on a mask that I was fine on the outside, but whenever someone came up to me and asked me how I was feeling it took everything in me not to scream and cry.

There were 15 minutes in between each of the classes, so I had it planned out, the class before mine and that precious time in between I would plan and get ready for my class. Spiritually, intuitively, and mentally. My dad’s class was before mine, and I was in charge of his music. So, I went in there and helped him. The whole time trying to not think about me and my class that was next. When his class ended, I got a jolt in my heart that went to the depths of my stomach. And I ran. I just ran. I went to the grass and immediately took my shoes off, trying to ground myself to the earth. I begged myself to be ready and to be brave. I ran out of the building, and i went and hid. I was debating on running away until the time for my class was up, honestly.

After a couple minutes, one of my friends came out of the building and comforted me. I had like 10 minutes til I had to suck it up and get in there and face the biggest fear known to man. I laid on the grass and curled in a ball and wept. I let my feelings, my thoughts and my fear envelope me. I sobbed until I had no more tears. I shook till I didnt even notice it. I had just barely enough courage to stand up and walk back into the building. Everyone came around me then, and told me I was late for my class. “Shoot! I’m a failure already.” I thought. But I braced myself and walked up to the head of the classroom. I remember feeling like it was the walk of death. I almost couldn’t move.

The fear was paralyzing me, until I looked up from trying to get my messy papers organized and see my biggest role models, front row, cheering me on. They looked at me with the most heartfelt look almost like them saying to me; “it’s okay baby girl, you can do it. Just pour your heart out.” I felt a relief in those few seconds. I felt Christ like love. And in that brief moment, with that glance, I felt God nudging me. I heard him say; “Aubree, if you can do this, you can do anything. Just lean on me.” I was embraced by such a powerful, overwhelming love.

Although, with every move I made, i could feel the fear coursing through my veins and every inch of me. Someone told me before my class, during the day, that if I just went up there and cried my eyes out it would be worth it. The whole time I was presenting, I was telling myself I could do that. I could break at any moment. I could crack. I could curl in a ball and cry. I could give up. The desire to do so was extreme.

 I used a lot of songs while I presented, I used those as breaks for my Spirit to recover from the tension. I remember messing up so many times, and running out of stuff to talk about. I stumbled on my words. I was near tears throughout the whole hour I taught.

A tender mercy was shown to me during my class, many were, in fact. One I remember quite vividly though, a girl that was sitting towards the back said she felt prompted to come up and sing. The whole room immediately started to brighten up. The Holy Spirit filled the room, and I felt ease.

 I remember some people come in the back that I knew well, that were presenting same time as me, came in and gave me a thumbs up or a smile and it boosted me, immensely.

When my class finally neared the end, I felt I could breath. Yet, no relief or feelings of achievement came over me. I just wasn’t living on survival mode. Afterwards, I wanted to curl in a ball again. When I look back at it now, so many months after the whole experience, I remember after my class was done and days after how worthless I felt and how I did so many things wrong.

 And now, I look back at it, and woah. :’) Bravery. The feelings and emotions will come back vividly in my memories as I remember how it was and how it felt. But bravery. I didn’t crack up on the stage.

I broke down numerous times inside me, but I didn’t let it overtake me. I continued on. I pressed forward. I. Didn’t. Give. Up. And I am so proud of myself for that.

So, when you do something that gets you out of your comfort zone, barely able to stand there, don’t you let yourself crack. Because, inside you is a warrior. And it can take any fight it is given, if you are being led by your Heavenly Father and lean on Him. When you allow yourself to never give up, and only press onward. When you allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone and embrace the fear that you feel. It is a fight. It is a war. And you WILL win. :)